“Respect” (see also: "Side Projects" "Lyrics" & "Touring")
I’m furious. I’m absolutely bloody apoplectic. I’ve had to
put Homes Under The Hammer on mute
and delay putting out the bins to get this written down, that’s how maddened I
am.
Cut straight to the chase? Bands these days have no respect.
R.E.S.P.E.C.T, as was sung by someone they don’t even know because all they
listen to is gangster rap and guitars. As someone who has been there and seen
it all, it saddens me deeply to see these promising young musicians turn their
precious little cheeks the other way when offered advice by someone who has
been there and seen it all, which is me. It wasn’t like this in the old days. I
say ‘old’, it’s not like the ‘70s was that long ago pal! Not that much has
changed since then. But back in them days, you didn’t see The Rolling Stones or
Billy Idol disrespecting their predecessors. And what a better place music was
for it.
If you want to make it in the music world, if you want to
make it to retirement age with a garden shed, a full head of silky grey slicked
back hair AND a back catalogue that is the envy of your neighbours, you need
many things. But if you want people to respect your achievements, you yourself
need to respect the achievements, beliefs and career decisions of others.
I bring this up as I feel, of late, that Clive Smith is not
being respected. All the advice I have given over the course of this series has
been timeless. It will always work. It always worked for me. But this one is
different. Because the meaning of ‘respect’ has changed.
In my day (which was a better day), people respected their
elders. Musicians respected those who came before them. I proudly learnt my
trade in the clubs. Watching the masters at work I learnt a magical
‘something’, some kind of charisma, a charm that means heads turn, chatter
hushes and ladies blush ever so slightly when you enter the room. You can’t
learn that at university or off the telly. It’s like an Eskimo teaching his
only son to fish. It is exactly like that.
I’ve noticed it more since I joined Twitter. Like many
people I saw this new invention as a needless intrusion into my peaceful life
of getting angry at the TV and writing endless, annoyed letters. But on the
advice of Rhubarb Bomb’s editor, I joined. At first, it was really interesting.
So many people on there! But then reality slowly dawns. No one is listening to
you. I’m there tweeting goodwill across the globe but people are just ignoring
me, like some mad man shouting at the TV or a lunatic writing letters that end
up being read out in court.
Runaround Kids were the first ones. I had a really great
tour of some clubs in the North East lined up. Bongo Bongo Club, Kaleidoscope
Lounge, Boogie Heaven: real quality places. Thought it’d be great to take em
along, teach em some humility y’know? Didn’t even respond. It’s a shame because
Clubland has changed a lot. It’s not all cover bands and variety. Sure, for a
good night and to get a steady string of bookings you need some classics in
your set, but only about 75%. Then you work in your own material and win ‘em
over. Don’t you see? You don’t do you?!
It’s tried and tested and the examples are endless. Look at
Billy Bustop and The Macarenas. What about Buff Charington and the Marlborough Teasers? What
about Clive Bloody Smith?!
Oh yeah, and Gary Barlow too. I have tweeted him on three
occasions asking for the chords to Back
For Good so I can incorporate it into my set. Has he replied? Has he balls.
No respect these young uns.
Instead, the people they ‘respect’ are these gangster
trippers and celebrity makeovers on the satellite. People without an idea
inside their shiny plastic skulls. Try a bit of reality kid. No-one keeps it
more real than Clive Smith. I played in South Africa before Apartheid
ended. I snorted the drugs from a dwarf’s boobs before it was fashionable. I never avoided paying taxes. Not once.
Am I making myself clear?
But this isn’t about me, obviously. I am worried about the
state of Wakefield and Yorkshire and Britain
and The World. That’s my specific concern. But these young musicians have too
lofty ambitions. They think they are The Beatles. Everyone knows those Scouse
chancers lost it around ’64. Did they ever better Twist and Shout? That’s why you hear people playing it in the pubs,
see? Because PEOPLE LIKE IT. These kids sit in circles blowing smoke up their
arses trying to spin a ZERO on the roulette wheel. It aint gonna happen. You’re
not going to be successful. Take the hints: no-one is coming to your show.
No-one is buying your records. Lower the odds. Aim for an even number. Aim for
Black. Throw in some songs people actually like, a tune they can actually
whistle along to…
Why has this got me riled all of a sudden? Because last
month I released a Best Of Collection called The Colossal. It was beautiful. You should have seen it. You never
will now because it sold out (imagine that, eh?). But I got a snidey comment
from one of my fans. It read:
Dear Clive,
I will start by saying
I am a huge fan of yours. The way you combine genres into brand new forms
almost at the drop of a hat is ‘awesome’. For me, no-one comes close to you in Wakefield
However, I must say I
am slightly disappointed with your recent collection. As one of your tracks
states, you have always been ‘a futures man’. Yet here you are, recycling your
greatest moments for a quick buck. I find it a little upsetting and
disheartening. If only the music wasn’t so good, I’d happily put my copy in a
cupboard and only play it on special occasions.
Yours,
Richi
This person is clearly insane. How can they claim to be my
fan yet disagree with me? I tell you why – a lack of respect. I can tell from
that poncey name alone that they are young. Well, maybe when you’ve had forty
years at the top you can go around telling people how to do things.
In fact, read that last sentence again. That’s how the world
should run. Because then things wouldn’t change. We’d still be living the dream
in clubland with the songs and jokes of yesteryear. Wanting to smash up the
status quo (not the Status Quo!) is just pathetic. If you youngsters want to
make it in showbiz then you need to a) lower your expectations b) understand
showbiz has a rite of passage and your elders hold the keys c) cut the arty
crap d) subscribe to the holy motto of ‘The public wants what the public gets”
and e) learn some respect. Us lot, these people with 20 plus years experience
you so openly scorn; we’ve been there and done that. The fact we are still
here, living in the same houses and drinking in the same pubs and listening to
the same music proves that our way is the ONLY way to achieve any kind of
staying power.
So remember, Clive is here for you. Respect me and you shall
receive my respect. Together we can make the world a better place.
Clive Smith
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